By Chioma Chuka
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Chioma Chuka
behind a radio console. Credit: chiomachuka.com
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I made a
decision this morning, and that is to be very rich. Mind you, I have always
wanted to be rich, but this morning I decided on a new course of action to
achieve that goal. I am going to get into public office (currently working on
schematics) and then I will do one thing – plunder like there is no tomorrow.
I will award
contracts to phony companies set up in different variations of my name and the
names of my family members, and to my friends as soon as they sign over a
minimum of 30% of the contract sum to me. Whether they deliver or not is
immaterial, and I can always look good from making a big show of threatening to
revoke said contracts when I’m up for a second or third term.
Ahh! I will give
personal gifts using public funds, including cars, landed property, trips
abroad, livestock, you name it – all that matters is that I’m seen as generous,
loving, and supportive.
Doesn’t matter that basic amenities in the areas under
my jurisdiction are non-existent or dilapidated, that the people whose votes (whether
real or stolen) put me in that office are impoverished, or whether I cannot
even bear to live in my place of primary assignment because of the alarming
level of crime that I have done sod all about.
I will give gifts on behalf of
my family and myself to whosoever I please, and I won’t give a damn what you
think.
Why won’t I
give a damn? Errr, because apart from craft cleverly worded tweets and Facebook
updates, you don’t do much else. Matter of fact, I can count a good number of
your activist peers who pay me nocturnal tea visits, hoping for a slice of
national cake to go with it.
Why don’t I
give a damn? Let’s see… right. Another reason is because traditional rulers,
who should be the custodians of our culture, teachers of right and wrong, and
role models for the community, have made camp with political parties that best
serve their interests regardless of ideology.
Long as you use
the creamiest butter on their bread, doesn’t matter if you’re a rogue,
murderer, or pedophile. I’ve been advised that once I’m in that office, they
will flock to me, begging to give me chieftaincy titles. And I will accept,
because I am an illustrious son of the soil.
You know the
biggest reason why I don’t care though? The more wealth I amass, the more
immune to prosecution I become. Ahh, there are even some offices I can occupy
where something called the ‘immunity clause’ posits that I am above the law.
A thousand
blessings to the brains that enacted and ratified that law, it is one of the
reasons I aspire to public office. For all the enemies of progress who at one
time or the other tried to campaign against that clause, it will not be well
with you!
Now, in the
event that I offend someone higher up who decides to embarrass with a
robbery/fraud accusation, I can decide to engage my army of thugs to fight off
the Policemen who dared to try to arrest me, or simply flee to another country
to escape prosecution.
If the odds are stacked against me and the Police there
get a hold of me too, I can post bail, and then escape!! Yes, flee that evil
land either dressed as a woman, a circus animal, or inside a drum of oil.
There’s no
place like home. I’ll return knowing full well that after a few days of
talking about me and my triumphant entry from my sojourn abroad, they’ll move
on to ‘fighting corruption’ in other quarters. And the icing on the cake?
A few years of
laying low, bowing at strategic shrines, rebuilding my profile, and of course
showing remorse, and I get a presidential pardon! Glory! My slate is wiped
clean, and I am free to vie for office again to finish what I started, serving
my country with all my strength.
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